Against all odds . . . we’re back.
We shall not bore you, Humble Reader and Friend of Goblins, with the trials and tribulations that the workers at the Goblin Defense Fund have suffered these past three months. Enemy agents, Dwarvish and Elven in nature, conspired against us in numerous ways, and when it became clear that we would not surrender, resorted to Biological Warfare of the nastiest sort.
We are happy to say that their efforts have failed: several magical cures and Greater Restoration spells later, we are back to full strength, and ready to carry on the fight.
Let us begin by thanking you for your brave support; at the time of this writing, over 300 loyal Friends of Goblins have stepped up to the plate and signed the petition. We’ve also collected, as expected, grotesque amounts of money in donations, and we’ll be using that money shortly to launch our advertising banner campaign, as well as commence making bribes of questionable legality aimed at Heinsoo, Wyatt, and Mearls.
We’ve also got some tasty additions for you. Since our site first launched, we’ve added
- Talking Points
for dealing with those daring to disparage the glories of Goblinhood
- Mr. Goblin’s responses to the first wave of Ask Mr. Goblin
questions
- Official(-ish) Monster Manual errata and additions for your favorite oppressed-humanoid races
- An investigation of the Eberron goblin. At least WoTC tried . . . right? Wrong.
- Banners
that you can easily put up at your site to bring us even more petitioners
- Testimonials
from folks brave enough to take a stand against those wishing to do goblins harm.
- AND coming soon – profound thoughts about 4th Edition and the degree to which it may or may not suck.
We’re also looking for submissions from our loyal readers; goblin-related settings, adventure paths, or encounters are all of interest. One idea submitted to Mr. Goblin under the name “avoidingreallife” outlined a nasty-looking goblin swarm – we’d love to hear more. After all, the next best thing to playing a goblin PC is killing non-goblin PCs with goblin NPCs.
Whether or not one is a fan of hit points, class-based advancement, or five-foot steps, one must concede that the central pillar of Role-Playing Games is Dungeons and Dragons. Thus, we find it extremely disturbing that this game has progressively demonized and animalized what any unbiased and impartial observer would agree is a fine, upstanding creature: the noble goblin.
From the Keep on the Borderlands (1980) to the Sunless Citadel (2000), goblins have been treated as little more than cannon-fodder. Consider the number of innocent goblin men, women and children that have died in their homes at the end of adventurers' blades – and then consider the tragic and unholy fact that 99 times out of 100, the only remorse these murderers feel is when they find out they will receive no Experience Points for slaying non-combatants!
Here at the Goblin Defense Fund, we document with annoying detail the history of prejudice against the goblin race. Our goal? To make sure that the persecution ends, here and now.
Next year, the Wizards of the Coast will release the Fourth Edition of Dungeons and Dragons. The Goblin Defense Fund will be applying pressure to make sure that the Monster Manual entry for goblins is fair and unprejudiced. We demand that the backstory for the 4E world incorporates the necessary amount of cultural sensitivity, and that modules printed for 4E recognize goblins for what they are – an oppressed, brave people, fighting for their scrap of land against overwhelming odds.
Between our petition drive, advertising, and bribes of the 4E designers (Rob Heinsoo, Mike Mearls, and James Wyatt) to convince them into acceding to our demands – we can make sure that what happened to goblins in Basic D&D through 3E will stop at the doors of 4th Edition.
Because a goblin is a terrible thing to waste.
Unconvinced? Then our bias-free and wholly scientific investigation of the history of vilification of the Goblin race is the place to start.
